Sunday, May 31, 2015

The Paradigm

She really is everything to me. Her familiar smell. The feel of her skin against the palm of my hand. The way her hip bones feel when I run my hand along her DANGEROUS curves. Her almond eyes. Her sparkly, white smile. Her ability to snap witty comments about like a whip. Her ability to rebuild me, brick-by-brick.

She has the ability to break me. But that is part of the allure; to be completely free with someone that you are willing let go of your preconceived notions of how a person should infiltrate your life. She allows me to be free. When I walk next to her, I know that my hopes, dreams, aspirations and goals are all hers, as well.

She comes in contact with people and they have a sense about her; they know she is intense and powerful and a force. They also know that she is soft and malleable. She is vulnerable; but maintains a sense of self. She is beautiful, beautiful to the core. Her mind makes me quiver in anticipation of the next conversation. Her heart makes me wonder what kind of thoughtful and selfless act will come next. Her smile allows me to lose myself when I look at her; its vibrant and earth-moving. Her expressiveness allows me to be confident in our connection. Her work ethic dwarfs my daily routine.

The Paradigm says that this couldn't happen; but it did. I would go through every single second of hardship, struggle and pain to be right here with her, again. Thank you for you.

Friday, December 26, 2014

Incentive, entitilement, sense.

The holiday season, for me, has traditionally, at least for the last ten or so years, has been a time when mostly difficult times occur for me. Save a few great years with some great people, my recent holiday past has been just a pile of hot steaming shit. Three of the last five years has marked a breakup with someone who, I at least, thought was special; top it off with MAJOR financial difficulty and the holidays are anything BUT a time to reflect and be happy with life.

From the outside looking in, you should say that my life, in particular, it wholly contingent on the choices I have made. If you said this, I would agree with you, without a doubt. My life, as it is, has been because of the choices I've made. With all of that said, my sense of entitlement will sometime take over my sense of incentive, and into the doldrums I go. Everyone, at their core, deserves to have everything they want; life is about living, not just being alive. We all deserve to have what our heart desires and we also owe it to ourselves to understand what is truly important to us. The universe though, knows best and most of the time, it will throw you into a tailspin and make us re-evaluate what it is we are doing. Entitlement, is, at its core, in direct conflict with motivation and hard work. Entitlement will make you think that no matter what, the choices you make should have no bearing on the achievements that you deserve. It will make you believe that somehow, you should have already put in the work and any other work you do toward your goals would be for naught. As we all know, this is untrue, because as the old Karate maxim says, "A glass of hot water will become cold if hot water is not continually added".

When I think of incentive, I think of hard work as being the cornerstone of any incentive based plan. I think that life, in general, is an incentive based plan. The harder you work, the better you treat your fellow man and the more appreciative you are of the things that you have achieved, the more you will reap. Unfortunately, that doesn't always work out for everyone, at least not right away. I know I have felt that way before and I also know that no matter what, the expectation of what I believe I deserve will always set me back.

When you pit incentive vs. entitlement, you have two inverse terms; they are exact opposites and will repel each other. This statement speaks to the theme of this blog entry because although I have lost much around the holidays and there could never be worse timing, there has to be a message. There must be. I'm starting to believe that I am being pushed to achieve what I want, exactly on my own time. To do my thing and not be swayed by popular opinion and also to not worry about how my actions will affect others; the decisions I make will not always be popular. I also believe that now, more than ever, my choices need to be correct in regards to my future; I have to be this way, as living day to day has done nothing for me except to pass the time. I also understand that the choices I make and the mistakes I make really need to be considered as any small mistake could cause huge ripple in my life that could cost me dearly in the future. As has already been proven, the mistakes I make rear their ugly head to really teach me a lesson. A lesson, until now, that Ive never understood.

In the big picture, I need to have enough sense to sense when entitlement is taking over and when incentive needs to be directly in my cross hairs. Lets hope that is always, from here on out in this life. 

Sunday, July 20, 2014


Precedent, as defined by Merrian-Webster....


noun \ˈpre-sə-dənt\
: a similar action or event that happened at an earlier time
: something done or said that can be used as an example or rule to be followed in the future
: the usual or traditional way of doing something

Full Definition of PRECEDENT

:  an earlier occurrence of something similar
a :  something done or said that may serve as an example or rule to authorize or justify a subsequent act of the same or an analogous kind precedent
b :  the convention established by such a precedent or by long practice
:  a person or thing that serves as a model 
In this context, we use it as a noun. Even further, we use it as a way to describe why an action taken at a previous juncture was used to serve as an example to be used in the future. In this way, we see that anything that has been set as a precedent in a relationship, be it business, personal, or romantic, can be used to steer clear of, or to expect another action taken in a similar manner. 

Without being too cryptic, take this situation as an example: person asks other person to be at a job interview @ 9am. Interviewee can't make it to said interview because of another emergency or commitment, but yet made the commitment to the interviewer to be on time. Interviewer decides that although interviewee is fully qualified, this could be SETTING A PRECEDENT and decides to not reschedule. Interviewee then feels a sense of betrayal because they feel that this was something out of their control. Unfortunately, the interviewee does not see the forest for the trees, because this PRECEDENT has been set a while ago due to some choice or a path chosen incorrectly. 

Now in the matter of our lives, the foundation we set with people, businesses or partners all hinge on the precedents we set with them. This is how history works; the adage is "if we do not take history in to consideration, we are doomed to repeat it". 

Friday, June 06, 2014

The needy's need to be needy

Instant gratification; we are all guilty of it, well, at least I am. Ha. Anyway, this is possibly, in my opinion, the number one killer of goals or satisfaction.

Throughout my time on this earth, I have learned that if anything is worth having, its worth working hard for. With that said, let it be known that although I consider myself a hard worker, I can always do better to achieve my goals and aspirations. Moving on, I find it hard to swallow when I see someone putting long term goals aside or ideals for instant gratification. The feeling of desire is a STRONG one.... but as ADULT humans, we should be able to sort through our feelings and come to a conclusion that should suit out goals and meet our desired short term needs.

A person told me some years ago, after telling me that I placed a close second to someone in an interview, that I should continue to work hard to achieve my dreams, as the hard work I do now, WILL absolutely pay off. I am paraphrasing, but that's the gist of what was told to me. I try to live by this statement and use it everyday to re-evaluate myself. I know what I want and I know what I need to do to get it. I also know that I need to constantly evaluate what I am doing to reach those goals. I also know that I need to tweak things and check myself to stay on track. I believe that this applies to all things in life - business, personal relationships, friendships and matters of the heart. I also understand that whatever it is you want will be EXACTLY what you will reap. 

I constantly ask myself, what is it that you want? Is it the long-term, satisfying, full feeling of waiting and working hard for something you really want, or is to be needy. Need of the instant gratification that has you constantly wanting more.

Ultimately, its the needy's need to be needy that will win out. We have a choice.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Behind the past

I'm an idiot - I hold on to the past. I constantly pine over days gone by, what I could've done better or am trying to atone for something I may have not completely followed through on. This could mean a relationship, work or anything personally that just may have not been fulfilling.

Catharsis comes from many different sources and I've used the past as a way to motivate me to achieve the things I thought I wanted in the past. For example, I put a screen shot of myself in the best shape I've been in as my computer background. I thought, "I need to look like that again". About a week later, my roommate sees it and says wow, you look way different. Of course, I took it to heart and told myself that I had to be there again. Fast forward a few days and roommate says, "Hey, now I know whats different about that picture! You don't have tattoos in that pic." Revelations filled my head and I realized that I will NEVER look like that because I am NOT that person. I am different. I am more than TEN years in the future and I'm wasting fucking time looking back. I've done it all my life and for not another second will I do that; I'm moving forward. I'm reinventing myself in an image that is all new. The person I was didn't get me to my goals that I had set for myself by 40 (which I will be in a month, fuck!).

The memories are good for stories and to be used as examples. If we do not move forward, we are going in reverse. An old Shotokan Karate axiom says. "In order to maintain hot water, you must constantly add hot water.". This is profound to me and something I have always tried to follow. Maybe I didn't realize that he was saying just that - add WATER. Not hot oil. Not warm milk. Not whatever the fuck I thought was better than hot water.

Hopefully we all get what we want and we deserve to be happy. We also owe it to ourselves to be the best we can be, EVERY DAY. Service is an important aspect of life, but also, if you can't serve yourself, you will never have the capacity to serve others.

Behind the past is the need to move forward. Do it every day.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

The Immortals

Death is constantly knocking on the door of our lives - shit, I could stumble out of bed, hit my head and be dead! Rhyme every time! Ha! Anyway, the only promise in life is death. I have had this discussion with many members of my family (friends) and there's always one question; what happens after we die?

Me, I've pondered this question more than I should've over the years. I've often struggled with the fact that I don't believe in any afterlife, at least not in the way that many think of it. I don't believe that you go anywhere, but into the ground and become fertilizer. I do believe that there is something bigger than us, but I don't believe that it has anything to do with what the fuck we are doing on this planet.

Life, itself, is fleeting; as is everything to do with life. Love, hate, struggles, successes all can be gone or come in a second. I've experienced what people would say is a miracle, but also experienced the absolute antithesis of that; losing all. That insight, is enough to implant the thought into my head - how do I become immortal? Do I want to be immortal?

Bart and myself had this discussion and he maintained that he wanted to be immortal - I couldn't get on board. Being consciously immortal wouldn't be rewarding. You wouldn't live with any sense of urgency. Who cares if you get up that day or not, you've got ETERNITY. As I said before, just as everything is born, everything dies. But I truly believe that you can be immortal......

Being Immortal is as simple as making yourself UNFORGETTABLE. Make your mark. Be that person. It doesn't matter with who or with what, but to the people that matter, make sure that they will never forget you. They will pass it on. No one worth not forgetting will EVER be forsaken. For me, that's what life is about. Put that indelible mark on the consciousness of those that need it or mean that to you...........

Everyone I hold dear to my heart, to me, are the Immortals.