Behind the past

I'm an idiot - I hold on to the past. I constantly pine over days gone by, what I could've done better or am trying to atone for something I may have not completely followed through on. This could mean a relationship, work or anything personally that just may have not been fulfilling.

Catharsis comes from many different sources and I've used the past as a way to motivate me to achieve the things I thought I wanted in the past. For example, I put a screen shot of myself in the best shape I've been in as my computer background. I thought, "I need to look like that again". About a week later, my roommate sees it and says wow, you look way different. Of course, I took it to heart and told myself that I had to be there again. Fast forward a few days and roommate says, "Hey, now I know whats different about that picture! You don't have tattoos in that pic." Revelations filled my head and I realized that I will NEVER look like that because I am NOT that person. I am different. I am more than TEN years in the future and I'm wasting fucking time looking back. I've done it all my life and for not another second will I do that; I'm moving forward. I'm reinventing myself in an image that is all new. The person I was didn't get me to my goals that I had set for myself by 40 (which I will be in a month, fuck!).

The memories are good for stories and to be used as examples. If we do not move forward, we are going in reverse. An old Shotokan Karate axiom says. "In order to maintain hot water, you must constantly add hot water.". This is profound to me and something I have always tried to follow. Maybe I didn't realize that he was saying just that - add WATER. Not hot oil. Not warm milk. Not whatever the fuck I thought was better than hot water.

Hopefully we all get what we want and we deserve to be happy. We also owe it to ourselves to be the best we can be, EVERY DAY. Service is an important aspect of life, but also, if you can't serve yourself, you will never have the capacity to serve others.

Behind the past is the need to move forward. Do it every day.